Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Bovril at the Hamlet

Having been devoid of inspiration for four months and eight days, I have returned to the blogosphere in emphatic style; influenced by 158 people at Dulwich Hamlet FC on an uncomfortably chilly November evening.

Without an in-person football fix since Cheltenham Town's cagey 1-0 win over Liverpool-conquerors Northampton in October, I opted for a trip to my new local team - albeit after much consideration; Dulwich play in pink and purple, for crying out loud. It's just not a good look. Oh, and they play in the Ryman League Division One South.

Monday, 19 July 2010


So, Spain won the World Cup - and I was in Spain! Which was great, apart from I was in a resort called Puerto Pollensa in Mallorca, so it wasn't really EspaƱa at all. More Basildon/Glasgow (judging by the accents, which were two separate ones, not some Essex-Glaswegian hybrid, although that is something I would like to hear).

A guy in the bar around the corner asked me how I was finding the Spanish commentary. Trouble was, I was watching the game in the main square, Placa Capllonch, which had big screens with shaky pictures of BBC1's coverage. So instead of some exuberant Spanish commentator shouting "GOOOOOOL" in ecstasy, I had Guy Mowbray, who to his credit tried to sound excited during Iniesta's late winner, only to be undermined by Mark Lawrenson: "Yeah, well errr, well done Cesc Fabregas."

Friday, 14 May 2010

Exclusive: Sven-Goran Eriksson's job on the side

Sven-Goran Eriksson is a man of many talents - just ask Faria Alam. Where that 8-inch candle ended up I'll never know.

On Tuesday, the ex-England manager named his provisional Ivory Coast World Cup squad before darting back to England to give David Cameron and Samantha a lift into Downing Street for the first time as prime minister and 'first lady'.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Canvasser etiquette

I did something I probably shouldn't have done yesterday. I called a Labour canvasser a "tosser" to his face on my doorstep. The conversation materialised exactly how I had expected it to:

"Hello, sorry to disturb you on your bank holiday."

Monday, 26 April 2010

London Marathon 2010: Giraffe man

I'm not sure how tall Blackfriars Tunnel is but I imagine this London Marathon competitor would have struggled getting through it yesterday. 

Also - I'm pretty sure the route passes through the tunnel bit of London Wall, which would have been rather problematic for giraffe man. His neck was so tall that my lens couldn't fit it all in.

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

FarmVille's controversial Bulgarian flag claims first council victim

Plovdiv has earned its second claim to fame of the year. Not content with being visited by Brendan's group of Channel 4 coach trippers, the Bulgarian city has become embroiled in a bitter battle over pixelated farms.

Local councillor Dimitar Kerin was removed from office after becoming addicted to FarmVille, the most popular game on Facebook, according to Bulgarian news agency Novinite.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

The world's greatest ever footballing comeback

I'm usually hesitant to start a football-related blog because the beautiful game is the most over-analysed topic on the planet. And, what with my proud heritage, I'm only ever going to write about Cheltenham Town FC.

Though it pains me to say it, the Robins' performances aren't exactly going to inspire the masses into a considered online debate given the team's lowly Football League position - not to mention that most CTFC fans can't read or write and can only drive a tractor. But that don't really matter 'cos they all come from Cheltenhamshire.

Monday, 15 March 2010

London iPod

This is a London iPod - yes, ha ha, a London Eye pod. Ha ha ha. A word of warning - don't call them 'pods' in earshot of the big wheel's staff. They get very offended because they're not pods at all, they're 'capsules'. I made this mistake and tried to laugh it off with an employee but she wasn't having any of it.

After finally forgiving me, she whispered a couple more London Eye-related facts. Did you know, for example, it can be sped up ever so slightly on busy days? And that staff at Merlin Entertainments, the company that manages the London Eye, refer to it as the 'cash cow'? A testament to the wheel's success, perhaps, but can't they knock down the prices a little bit?

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

February's quote of the month

It was difficult to look past Peter Kay's "what a nobhead" swipe at Liam Gallagher or Charlie Brooker's take on the iPad, but I decided to settle on something a little more heartfelt.

[Incidentally, how do you spell 'nobhead'? This is what most people seem to go with, but the Metro and Yahoo reckon it's 'knobhead'. Some mavericks insert a space between 'nob' or 'knob' and 'head'. I've always assumed 'nob' is penis and 'knob' is strictly left to doors, but who am I to argue one way or the other?]

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Vance Miller: A lesson in defence, Scientology style

Selling dodgy kitchens and Scientology are as unrelated as a bottle of Fairy washing up liquid and a Blue-footed Booby.

At least they were until tonight, when Vance Miller, boss of forever-changing-its-name company Maple Industries, had the opportunity to defend his tarnished reputation on BBC1's Rogue Traders.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

A feline fable

I've just finished reading a rather good book - Suketu Mehta's Maximum City: Bombay Lost And Found. In it, he refers to this parable told to him by a Gujarati doctor:
"A long time ago, a man was conducting a wedding. A cat was running around the marriage hall, disturbing things. So he tied it to a pillar. Afterwards, generations of the man's family, whenever they had a wedding, found a cat and tied it to one pillar of the hall, believing it to be a required wedding custom."

Saturday, 30 January 2010

David Cameron: The all-new 'ministering angel'

Florence Nightingale, the English nurse made famous for her work in the Crimean War, is widely referred to as the Lady with the Lamp. To readers of the Times, however, she was known as the "ministering angel".

"Her slender form glides quietly along each corridor, every poor fellow's face softens with gratitude at the sight of her," the newspaper's Crimean War correspondent said at the time.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Football Focus puts the cunt in Scunthorpe

The BBC's Football Focus must have been rubbing its hands with glee ahead of today's show. Arguably the smallest team in the Championship, Scunthorpe United, will tackle the silky majesty of Roberto Mancini and his Manchester City team tomorrow in the fourth round of the FA Cup.

Ex Bangor City manager-turned-physio-turned-manager-again Nigel Adkins will lock horns with his more illustrious Italian counterpart in a David vs Goliath clash, blah blah isn't the FA Cup romantic blah blah.

Monday, 18 January 2010

January's quote of the month

"I was delighted to learn that in Britain today more people are employed in Indian restaurants than in your coal, steel and shipbuilding industries combined. So the empire can strike back."

Saturday, 9 January 2010

William Hill snowballs to moral bankruptcy

The white stuff has been falling like snowbody's business, and much merriment it has brought to the little island we inhabit.

Scanning the letters page of my local newspaper, I have been reminded to consider the effects of snow and ice on the elderly and disabled as they go about their daily business - and granted, it must be pretty bloody inconvenient.